Monday, November 29, 2010

I have reached my breaking point

Many of you have been asking for an update on what we are doing with our lives, and I've been putting off answering because  . . . well . . . we don't really have any answers yet.  When we moved into this apartment Larry was just about to finish his fellowship and flying all over the place for job interviews, and we figured it wouldn't be long before we were settled somewhere so we found a small apartment with a nice landlord who agreed to let us lease month to month and we hunkered down for what I thought would be a couple months, tops.  We sent most of our belonging to storage, but it didn't matter, it wouldn't be long, right?  I remember saying that if we still lived here for Halloween I would be really sad because I wouldn't have the space to throw a party and all of my decorations would be in storage along with my sewing machine.  Larry said he was sure I didn't need to worry about that.  Christmas in this apartment didn't even occur to me.  Decorations, winter coats and boots, down comforters, bigger clothes for Ollie and Creed: all in storage.

Well, now it's been almost seven months and things are . . . the same.  Larry's had some offers, but he's still interviewing, and it doesn't look like he's going to make a decision anytime soon. Luckily, his research team at the U has let him stay on as a consultant, and he's picked up some moonlighting shifts so we are doing ok, but this is not how I imagined life after supporting him through nine years of medical training.

About a month ago, after an awful grown-up neighbor taunted Creed to tears, I reached my breaking point.  I cannot control Larry's job situation, but I cannot live in this tiny apartment any longer! Ollie still wakes up several times a night and we can't let him cry or the neighbors complain (the very same neighbors who made Creed cry, but let's not get into that one), and I hate for the landlord to have to deal with that when he did us a favor by letting us have a month-to-month lease.  We have no yard for the boys to play in.  Larry has to haul all of our laundry to the laundromat which takes ages.  Ollie makes a mad dash to the furnace and water heater, which are exposed in our hallway, every time I set him down because he is fascinated by the flames and the pipes, which is terrifying.  We don't have any extra storage space so it's impossible to put everything away; I'm constantly tripping over everything and hiding Christmas gifts is a joke. And did I mention that Ollie doesn't have a room?  He's nine months old and he sleeps in a pack-and-play that we shuffle from room to room and he doesn't even have a dresser, he just has a couple of messy plastic bins I threw into the back of Creed's closet.  I'm definitely feeling some mom guilt over that one.

We need to move.

So we started looking for a house to rent, but that's difficult when you can't commit to at lease a year-long lease.  In fact, if you want to live in a decent house in a safe neighborhood, it's nearly impossible.
After walking through several options that make me cringe, we have found a new apartment.  It's a shared house and the apartment isn't much bigger than where we live now, which I'm not excited about, but it has a long list of benefits: the boys will have a yard, we will have a garage, there's an unfinished basement to stow away the extra things we need on hand, there's a washer and dryer in the basement, I won't have to roll the dishwasher across the kitchen and hook it up to the sink, it's only one block away, there's not a furnace in the hallway, it's just been completely remodeled so everything is brand new, the landlords seem really nice, AND it was the one and only decent place we found that would let us have a shorter lease.

So now we are moving.  This week.  And I am in charge of a bunch of things for Enrichment Tuesday night.  And I am sick.  And my mom is out of town.  And Larry's step dad is having surgery so his mom will be busy.  And we have not packed a single box yet. And we have not called any of the utility companies. And we have not reserved a moving van.  And there is a foot of fresh snow outside. And I'm am feeling a little sick about the whole thing because moving to a new apartment is like admitting to myself that I don't see Larry accepting a job anywhere in the near future, and things are going to continue to be uncertain around here.

And that's my whiny, blogging-at-2-a.m.-update.

I better get to bed because things always look better in the morning, right?

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know you or live remotely close to you, but if I did I would help you move.

Linsey said...

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. But, this new place is going to be better, and you just need to take some deep breaths on focus on that.

Call your visiting teachers and home teachers and Bishop and EQ and RS Presidents. This, among other things, is why they're there. They will help you and then you'll be in your new place and things will get better. They will. And, try not to worry too much about the long term job situation. I know that is far easier said than done, but a good job can be hard to find and it would be better to wait for the perfect one than to have to go through this again, or again several times.

And, feel better, being sick is never fun, but certainly not when you are in crisis mode.

One more thing, I know it's sort of weird to get comments from people you don't know. But, I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now and this post just made my heart ache for you. I hope something I've written is helpful.

Hang in there.

Beazer said...

Steph,

I totally understand that need for permanence and a place to sink your roots into (preferably a perfect place to call home). This living in limbo for a third of our lives is getting old. Someday it will make for great stories! I wish I were there to help watch the boys while you packed up. Good luck!

Ellen said...

We are living in UT right now and if you want me to watch the kids for a while for you, I'd be happy to do it! I know I haven't seen you in a couple years, but I also know what a pain moving is. Let me know if you need any help.

Megan said...

just wanted to tell you I get it. :( Sorry.

Hey, it's me...Jessica said...

I would show up on your doorstep right now if I didn't live two states away. After years of moving for school and residency I know how to pack a box or two:) I am so glad you only have to move around the block even if it's not ideal. So glad you won't have to go to the laundromat anymore or worry about the dangers of the apartment for Ollie.

I was thinking about you yesterday as I made some beautiful snowflakes out of paper. You taught me how to, remember? At the farewell party for Reba? Happy times, happy thoughts.

Good luck.

The Jensen Family said...

Can I have the address of your nasty neighbor? i need to pay a visit to him for making my nephew cry!

that's what she said...

I'm so so sorry! Hang in there and good luck with everything! If I lived even remotely close, I'd help in a heartbeat! If it makes you feel any better, I just threw a snowball from Oregon at your mean neighbor. :)

Peta said...

sending you hugs from Australia. hope you get things settled soon x

Anonymous said...

I wish I lived close enough to help you, even if it was just to cook or do laundry. I hope your church family can help and your mom gets back soon (because no matter how old you are, having your mom there makes it all better). Hang in there and some day you will look back on this and realize how strong you are!

Nikki said...

And that is reason number 210 for why I need to live closer to you! Lots of love and hugs from Ohio . . . I truly feel for you and wish I could do ANYTHING to make this situation tolerable!

Shar said...

i wish i lived in utah right now and could drive up to your house and help. instead can i make some phone calls for you? something? anything? i know how you feel because the last year has been that way for me. and while we know where we'll be for the next 2 years now, it didn't make it any eaiser when i had to get rid of so much of our lives because we just couldn't fit it into our tiny apartment and couldn't afford a storage unit.

but this change will be good and you will make it through. you will! call those church people and if they say no you make larry call and make them come. :) and now is the time when you tell your current visiting teachers and home teachers that they are needed.

TX Girl said...

I'm sorry I don't live closer too.

Hopefully he will get the perfect rock star job that he loves and is a perfect fit for your family. Sending lots of warm thoughts your way.

lisa h. said...

definitely a situation where you call on the ward to help! it's definitely needed. i'm very sorry and most sorry to hear about your adult? neighbors teasing creed? what! unbelievable. good luck job searching, I don't look forward to that task, kinda glad we still have 3-4 yrs ahead of us w/ fellowships. i'm sure when larry decides it will be a great situation and work all the stress!

Mom said...

I second Nikki's opinion...just one more reason you need to be closer to Ohio. I'm so sorry you're stressed and I'm not there to hug you. Your babies are in my morning prayers every day. Darkest before the dawn? God opens a window when he shuts a door? Yeah, easy to say, I'm not up to my elbows in packing boxes. HUGS! Mon

Erin said...

I think that you just need to move to Michigan :) Let Larry know :) We would loooove it :)

kirsten said...

oh, yikes. i'm so sorry, this is not fun! here's wishing your week has improved and things are looking up. Cuz they kinda have to, right?

Krystal Trapnell said...

Seriously, that's so frustrating! I hope things work out SOON because that's a long time to be in limbo! I like the idea you mentioned to me a while ago. How about you just go with that one?

darcie said...

boooooo! it's a good thing i don't know where you live or i might stab your neighbor. horrifying, i know.

Larry said...

Darcie - I like your style.