I know so many people's lives look perfect on their blogs, and I don't want people to have a misconception of my life around here. On average, I try to focus on the positive, but I want this blog to be an honest record of my life so I try to do a little reality check around here once in a while.
So the truth is, I'm leading a pretty lonely life these days. I'm one of those people that needs some alone time, but lately, almost all of my time is alone time. Someone called the other day in the middle of the day and thought they woke me up because my voice was husky from not using it (I do talk to Creed, but I guess we'd had a quiet morning of me following him around an empty playground and then he'd taken an extraordinarily long nap). Larry works six days a week and he's on call six days a week (it is home call, which is much better than residency, but those calls while we're trying to spend time as a family are so annoying). His only day off each week is Sunday, and since we're Mormon that means three hours of church in the middle of the day along with other meetings and we will never get a chance to explore some of the fun places around town together since we try not to do anything that requires anyone else to work on Sundays. And did I mention that's his schedule for the entire year? That means no long weekends to escape and take a road trip, and no time for Larry to watch Creed so I can do things around the city that aren't fun for a toddler like explore boutiques or buy new jeans or have lunch with friends. Larry has always had to work some Saturdays, but I never realized how important it was to me to have him around for a Saturday here and there.
So people out there who wonder how I do all the things that I do (and I really don't do much, you just get the highlights on my blog) I have more time to myself than I know what to do with. I'm busy with Creed, but at some point, he has to sleep and then I'm on my own.
And speaking of Creed, I love him and find myself constantly blinking in wonder at how cute he is and how quickly he's growing, but it's really tiring being in charge of him 100% of the time. Larry's been trying to help out and take him on some jaunts in the evening, but by the time he gets home and we pull together dinner, Creed is getting tired and cranky and it's probably better for him to stay home and wind down.
And I have so many insecurities as a mother. Am I feeding him well enough? There must be other healthy foods that I can get him to eat. Should I convert to one nap a day and how do I know when that nap should be? And he has a farmer's tan, which means I'm not making him wear enough sunscreen. And we don't know any kids in our neighborhood his age so should I be taking him to playgroup or something so he's used to being around other kids his age? And it is so crazy hot in the afternoons that I feel so bad every time I have to put him in his carseat, aka insulated oven, and he looks at me with those sad eyes. And I'm worried about his loss of vocabulary lately. And . . . and . . . and . . .
I definitely have my flaws. I'm not a good cook and I'm so uninspired in the kitchen. I HATE exercising and tell myself that chasing Creed is enough right now. I keep saying the word "stinkin'" which I hate (why did I even start saying that?) and I can't stop! I'm obsessed with finding a new rug for our living room that's beautiful, yet affordable and it's driving me crazy that I can't find one. I have a totally irrational fear of ducks and geese and they are all over the parks here. I stay up later than I should and I'm grouchy in the morning. I'm terrible at returning phone calls, not because I'm busy, but because I especially don't like talking when I'm feeling blue. If you came to my house right now, you'd think we moved here a week ago instead of a month because I'm not in a hurry for this new place to feel like home and it's not like I have any friends who are coming by so I still have a lot of unpacking and organizing to do (which I guess is a sign that we own a lot of stuff that we don't need).
I totally have a lack of focus these days and am not really sure where I want to head from here. Do I want to try to work as an adjunct professor if it would mean adding more chaos to our families schedule and less time together? Do I want to keep selling fairy doors if that sucks up a lot of my creative time? Do I want to keep accepting freelance graphic design jobs? Do I want to be a little more active in the children's literature blogging world? Should we have another baby and could I really handle that and still be the kind of mom that I want to be to Creed? Should I be focusing more on writing while Creed naps? Should I just drop it all and focus on Creed while he still wants to shadow my every move? In what areas should I really be trying to develop and why do I let all this other stuff get in the way?
I'm not saying all of this to get down on myself or make you think that I'm depressed. I know that I'm blessed and I'm really happy with my life. I just want you to know that I'm not even in the same realm as perfect and I embrace that. Someday, when Creed is feeling lost or lonely or questioning his parenting skills, I want him to be able to read this and know I was there and it's ok. You don't need to be perfect to be happy.